The GROSS Club Handbook
by Dannor
Summary: Written by Calvin (with the help of Hobbes). The official handbook for the G.R.O.S.S.- explicit rules and regulations- along with arguments by Calvin and Hobbes. COMPLETE! Sorry for the long wait, guys- writer's block isn't fun.
1. Section I

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Calvin and Hobbes. Before this gets started, know this: things written by Calvin will look like this, things written by Hobbes will look like **this, and things written by Susie will look like _this_.**

**The G.R.O.S.S. Club Handbook  
written by the Dictator-for-Life Calvin******

**and  President and First Tiger Hobbes**

but mostly by Calvin

**and Hobbes**

More of Calvin than Hobbes

**HOBBES!  
CALVIN!  
**HOBBES!  
**CALVIN!**

written by Calvin** and Hobbes**

**Section I**- The Basics of the Club

**Article I: **Here it shall be stated that the G.R.O.S.S. (**G**et **R**id **Of **S**limy girl**S**) club members are limited only to men of all species, excluding bugs, because they're like girls. There are minimum requirements. They are: ****A. You must be able to talk. **2.** You must not have any affection to girls (**amendment by President and First Tiger Hobbes: You can have affection for girls in your own species and in one other species.**) (amendment by Dictator-for-Life Calvin: Only the Supreme Dictator-for-Life can add amendments) (****amendment by President and First Tiger Hobbes: Well, dictators are smelly morons.) (amendment by Dictator-for-Life Calvin: Tigers are poop heads.) (**amendment by President and First Tiger Hobbes: And dictators are potty mouths.**) (amendment by Dictator-for-Life Calvin: Am not.) **

**Article II: **The Dictator-for-Life shall not waste precious time of his by recording the minutes of the meetings that are held in the G.R.O.S.S. club's top secret location in the backyard in the third-tallest tree. Despite their constant _biasism__ (**President and First Tiger Hobbes would like to note that such a word does not exist**) Club Secretaries will record the minutes. (**President and First Tiger Hobbes would _also _like to note that Dictator's-for-Life are over-reactive.**) (Dictator-for-Life Calvin would like to note that certain stripy flea bags had better keep their mouths shut.) (**President and First Tiger Hobbes would like to remind Calvin that this is written and that Hobbes has neater handwriting than Calvin.**) (Dictator-for-Life would like to note that Calvin nose how to spell.) (**President and First Tiger Hobbes would like to comment on Calvin's grammar and homophone choices.**) _

**Article III: **All girls are slimy. Period. _We're what? _Go away, Susie. _I've told you this before, Calvin- GIRLS AREN'T SLIMY! _I said go away, Susie. _I want to know what you're doing. HOBBES! ATTACK H_Why___? Hobbes is too cute to kill anyone! DON'T JUST GRAB THE PEN WHEN I'M WRITING! GO AWAY SUSIE! **You know that all of what we've been writing has been recorded. I'm aware of that, Hobbes. Now let's just get finished with Section II. ****"One" in Roman Numerals is I. I knew that. **_

**Article IIII: **Hobbes, "four" is IV. **Oh, right. Article IV. Is there an article four? **Yes. Of course there is. **Then what is it? Girls are stupid. ****Brilliant, Calvin, brilliant. Well, let's just move on to Section II. **But shouldn't this be longer? **No. **Fine- watch this.****

**Article V: All articles must have a point. **Like this does? **Of course it does. Now we can move on to Section II**

**Section II**- Appointing Ranks

**Article I: **Calvin must be Dictator-for-Life. No exceptions. **And this has a point? **Yes, fuzz-head, it does. It states that I'm in command for life. **Why can't I be in command? **Because you're President- just under Dictator. **I'm not sure if that's how it works… **Of course it is! Now, I've got more stuff to write. **Does it have a point? **Of course it does. The Dictator-for-Life can give demerits to anyone. Demerits can be given to anyone below your rank. **What does that have to do with appointing ranks? **Mind your own beeswax. **Bee's don't make wax. OH WHATEVER! **

**Article II: **A person can have more than one rank. **Oh! Oh! I want to be _El Rey del Pirata del Tigre del Club Contra Muchachas! _**Since when could you speak Spanish? **Since always. **Where'd you learn it at? **We felines pride ourselves with being the most intelligent- stop that coughing- breed of creatures in the world- and we tigers are at the top of that. So obviously, we know most things. **Sure, Hobbes… A person can appoint himself a rank lower than his highest, and not any higher. **Why not? **Because that makes more sense, flea brain. **Don't start with me again, Calvin… **

**Article Three: **Write it as Article III, stupid. **Article III, Stupid: **Har har… Any rank can be immediately taken away**- it's called "demotion"-**and given to the taker-awaer. **Is "awaer" even a word? Of course it is. **I'm looking it up. **HEY! THAT'S BREAKING RULE THIRTY-SEVEN OF G.R.O.S.S.! ****You know we haven't written the rules  yet, of course… FINE! I'm sick of sitting up here! Let's finish this tomorrow. **Duly recorded in the minutes.****

 Eh… not my best. And this takes forever to write- so don't expect me to crank out chapters like that. This is mainly just for fun. R&R please!


	2. Section II

**Disclaimer: **Thanks for all the reviews! 17 reviews on one chapter! Now, you know the drill: If I owned Calvin and Hobbes would I even make myself known online? (Honestly, Bill Watterson's a great cartoonist and probably a funny guy, but I heard he doesn't even go out in public to sign books- his mom drops 'em off at his house and he signs them and she takes them back…) Oh, by the way, if you want to see how the formatting of Chapter One looked, e-mail me and I'll send you a copy. Stupid FanFiction.net re-formatting…

**Article IV: **You got it right for once… All ranks must be discussed with the Dictator-for-Life before being given. **Then how come you can appoint yourself all of these amazing ranks without a second thought? **Because, flea brain, I'm Dictator. **But I'm President. **So? That's under dictator! I am the Dictator-for-Life! **Big deal. Let's just end this section… Fine. …fleabrain…**

**Section III: Minutes of Last Meeting**

**9:07 AM: Meeting Called to Order**

**9:08 AM: Read Minutes of Previous Meeting. Much arguments on the Dictator-for-Life's part.**

**9:09 AM: President and First Tiger Hobbes throws Log Book at Dictator-for-Life.**

**9:10 AM: Demerits given to President and First Tiger Hobbes. Club Secretary Hobbes conveniently forgets to record them in the Log Book.**

**9:12 AM: Scuffle between members of the club. Of course, President finishes by sitting on Dictator-for-Life.**

**9: 15 AM: Dictator-for-Life gives up.**

**9:17 AM: Enemy spotted- Dictator-for-Life gives unreasonable plan.**

**9:20 AM: Club Strategist Hobbes comes up with a better plan.**

**9: 22 AM: Water balloons are filled.**

**9: 24 AM: Dictator-for-Life attempts to annihilate enemy, but gets soaked in the process.**

**9: 27 AM: Meeting adjourned**

WHAT?!? That was a totally biased report! **It's the truth and you know it! Don't stick your tongue out at me! Now you've got spit all over the page! ****Well, you just said to tape last meetings minutes in here, so I did! Now can we finish filling in the Handbook? Yes. But it's hardly over! We still have to add a rules section, and then a list of members and demerits! **

**Section IV: **We skipped over Section III. **No we didn't. The minutes are Section III. **WHAT? YOU HAVE TO TITLE IT! **Says who? ME! THE DICTATOR-FOR-LIFE! ****Fine then, I'll let YOU write the rest. Fine. **Fine. **Fine! ****Fine! FINE. **FINE. Section IV: Planning.****

**Article I**

All plans must have this sole purpose: the extinguish girls from the face of the earth! **All girls? **Yes, flea brain, all girls_._ This club _is_ called Get Rid Of Slimy girlS, so OBVIOUSLY we want to get rid of ALL girls. **What about your mom? What does Mom have to do with this? **You said the other day that your mom is the only way you'd get fed, taken to places, and taken care of, so you just said you'd let your mom be extinguished from Earth. **Fine. Amendment by Dictator-for-Life Calvin: Extinguishing mom's are optional. There, happy? **What about Susie? She's cute. **YOU TRAITOR! SUSIE IS OUR WORST ENEMY! **But she's still cute… **I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE WRITING THIS! ****Well, it's true. We'll discuss this after we've finished this handbook. For now, let's just go on to the next article…**

**Article II**

Every plan must be discussed with the Dictator-for-Life before it is placed into action. If the Dictator can't be bothered, then try asking Club Spy, Calvin, or Club Strategist, Calvin. **I thought I was the club strategist… Well, I changed it. ****Why? We've been over this before, Hobbes. I'm the Dictator-for-Life. You're the President. I'm ahead and you aren't. **But you can't just take away an office from me! We should have it discussed by the Club Board of Directors! **I'm the only member in the Board of Directors, so I discussed it with myself and I decided that I was best fit for the job. **That's not fair! **Not much is.**

**Article III**

Every secret plan needs a map of the surrounding areas that the plan will be carried out in. **Why? **Because, fuzz-head, we won't get lost or we won't be without an escape route if we don't have a map. **Can I be cartographer? **Why not… **I want a ceremony declaring that I, Hobbes, am now the official Club Cartographer. **We'll do it later. **Why? Because Susie's right under us! Quick! Grab the rotten tomatoes and help me! ****OK… does that mean we're done recording for the day? YES! JUST GET THE ROTTEN TOMATOES! **


	3. Section III

Author's Note: Remember, when Susie is talking, it's in italics, unless there's something like, "Note:" in front of it.

Well, Hobbes, you certainly were a disgrace back there… **Why? Just because I decided to throw the rotten tomatoes at _you doesn't mean you have to get all snippy about it. _**Snippy? I'm not being snippy. **I'd say threatening to plug my tail into an electrical outlet is being snippy. Well _you _were the one who told me that Susie should join the club… **Oh yeah? **Yeah! And you know what I'll do right now? ****What? Just watch!**

_Note: There are several scratch marks in the page here, followed by a bite mark and blots of ink. _

_Ow__! That stupid Calvin! I was just minding my own business, walking through the woods, when all of the sudden this stupid book comes flying and hits me on the head. Hmm, I wonder what's in it…_

_Ha! This is that stupid log book of his for his club! What was it called again? Oh. Like it says on the cover, G.R.O.S.S. What's that stand for, anyway? Oh, I see… _G_et R_id _O__f__ S_limy girlS. Boy, Calvin sure doesn't know how to make an acronym…__

_I've just re-read this handbook thing, and Calvin treats this like it's the military. He's such a little weirdo. Oh, there's someone at the door, I'd better get it…_

_Note: Here, there is half of the page ripped off, and a stain that looks like rotten tomato. _

Ah, yes! We rescued our handbook! Awards and medals all around, I think! **I always like getting medals. Hmm… Correction on that- medals to all NON-TIGER members. ****WHAT? You heard me flea-brain. You were reluctant to go on the reconnaissance mission in the first place. **Well _you _threw the book at my head. So I think that _I _should get a medal for getting injured in the line of duty. **Well, you're forgetting who the Medal Keeper is. **But I'm in charge of collecting the medals! **Ergh! This is the handbook! We need to finish with the RULES of the hand book!**

**Fine… Section… what was it? **I dunno… The rotten tomato stain got through the pages. I can't see what they are. I think maybe Section IV, Article IV… **Yeah, you're right. **

**Section IV**

**Article IV: **Plans need to be kept. **Why? **Because, fuzz-head, if we DIDN'T keep plans, then we'd all be messed up! **Why? Because, what if Susie were to make a club like V.I.L.E.? ****You mean that idiotic club YOU made up for her because you were bored? (Author's Note: See "Calvin and Hobbes and the G.R.O.S.S. War) Yeah! We need to have a plans!**

**Article Five: **Make it V, Hobbes. **No. Let's make this a ****NORMAL**** handbook and we'll be able to understand it LATER! Fine, have it your way… And you said I was snippy… Every plan must be secret. Thus, every plan is a "secret plan," and they will be called that by all members of G.R.O.S.S. **That's a little redundant. **What? It's not redundant! ****"Every plan must be secret. Thus, every plan is a 'secret plan.'" That's redundant. You're just jealous of my amazing talent for writing. ****Like your paragraph on your dad? I SHOULD HAVE WON THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR THAT! ****…Of course. Just like your unvarnished truth of the Noodle Incident. I thought we weren't going to talk about that… **

**Article 6: Every secret plan needs a map. **I said that already! Why'd you re-write it? **Because, I'm Club Cartographer.**** I need to have a job once in a while. **We'll have to discuss this with the Club Board… **Who is on it? Me. **Why not me? **Grr… JUST STOP WRITING! WE'RE THROUGH TODAY! ****Good. **


	4. Chapter IV

**Disclaimer**: Yes, you can all yell at me. This has taken forever to complete. This _is the end. Of one of my strangest fics, at that. I'm terribly sorry this has taken forever, and I'm aware that this is in written format, instead of like the handbook, but I honestly couldn't think of an ending. Sorry if I disappointed you all.   
  
By the way, is "snuck" a word? MS Word doesn't tell me it's misspelled, but I'm not entirely sure. I thought I heard CR- er, THE Elvenking say something about it somewhere.___

Calvin glared at Hobbes in the G.R.O.S.S. tree fort, as the summer sun, filtered through the leaves to make it look green, basked them in warmth. "It's all _your__ fault, you know," Calvin snarled._

"You were the one who decided to have a meeting by the creek!" Hobbes shot back.

"You were the one who started arguing with me!" Calvin retorted.

"Only because _you called what I wrote vile slander!"_

"It _was! I am _not _a smelly moron!" Calvin said firmly._

"Ever wonder why you don't have fleas?" Hobbes asked, crossing his arms on his chest.

"Because I'm a _human, the smartest species of all animals on Earth!" Calvin said, hoping he was right._

Hobbes chuckled. "I wonder- who is responsible for the world's problems? _Certainly not tigers."_

Calvin threw his hands up in the air, and, unfortunately, the G.R.O.S.S. Club Handbook. Both Calvin and Hobbes made a dive for it, but watched, helplessly, as it landed in the creek. Bubbles and blotches of ink rose up from the water. Calvin glared at Hobbes.

"That was your fault, too."

"How was it MY fault?" Hobbes asked.

"You were arguing with me!" Calvin said, glaring at the tiger.

"You started it," Hobbes pointed out.

"Only because _you recorded our meeting when I told you NOT to!" Calvin shouted, scaring several birds in a nearby tree._

"Yes, but this meeting was a goo- _OOF!" Hobbes was unable to finish his sentence, for Calvin had slammed into his stomach, attempting to knock the taller one over. However, Hobbes sighed and walked towards the creek, lifted Calvin up, and dropped him._

_SPLASH!_

"WHY YOU—YOU—TO THE DICTATOR-FOR-LIFE!" Calvin stuttered, unable to finish _his sentence._

"I'm through with G.R.O.S.S. for now," Hobbes said, and walked away, leaving the Dictator-for-Life of G.R.O.S.S sitting in the creek, dumbfounded.

"Hoo hoo," Hobbes said, and took a folded piece of paper hidden behind his ears. He opened it up and read it.

**Fourth Summer Meeting ****  
  
**

**Today started out as a normal day. Dictator-for-Life Calvin woke me up earlier than I would have liked, telling me that today was "the day" for G.R.O.S.S. Apparently, Susie had a sleepover the night before with some girl (Madison- she was cute.) and they were out playing with dolls on the front lawn. ******

**Calvin paraded out to the backyard, and I followed him, up to the G.R.O.S.S. fort, announced his plans. (I had to write these down quickly on scraps of paper, but I think I have the gist.) ******

**"Gentlemen," Calvin told me, "today, an alliance has formed, between our enemies- Susie Derkins and some other girl from my class!" ******

**"What's the plan?" I asked (while rolling my eyes, of course.).**

**"To send a select band of scouts to the headquarters of the vile creatures, and put a stop to their occult ritual!" Calvin declared boldly. I had to try hard to repress a snort.**

**"Really?**** An occult ritual? What would _that _be?" I finally managed to ask.**

**"Our Field Scout, Calvin, had to go on a dangerous intelligence mission. While he was there, he found out the girls were playing something called 'House.'"**

**"Say no more," I said ceremonially, although I thought (and still think) Calvin was overreacting. "I suppose we'll need a map?"**

**"And some water balloons!" Calvin said excitedly. He climbed down the rope ladder, followed by me.**

**We went inside, and I drew an accurate map, while Calvin filled up around a dozen water balloons. I took half, and he took half, and we snuck over to Susie's house.**

**When we got there, Susie and Whatsirname were carrying around several comatose animals for some reason- Mr. Bun and some duck (poor animals- I wonder why they don't try to wake them up?).**

**Calvin ran out at them and started screaming, "Yah! Yah! Get rid of slimy girls!" I just stayed back in watch. When the whole fiasco was over, Susie was soaking wet, as well as **Madison****. ****

**"CALVIN YOU POOP HEAD!" Susie yelled at him (she's cute when she yells…). "LOOK WHAT YOU DID!"**

**Calvin grinned like it was Christmas. Then, out of nowhere, four water balloons smacked Calvin upside the head. I looked around for the source of the balloons, and there was Susie's friend, glaring at Calvin.**

**"Calvin you _dope_," she said venomously, "don't go crashing other people's parties- especially when _I'm _at them!"**

**Calvin seemed to quall under her glare. "Yes, **Madison****… C'mon Hobbes," he said, and led me away. ****

**As we were walking back, he looked me square in the eye. "This never happened, got it?"**

**"Got it!"**** I said, and began recording it, next to all of our pointless rules for this club.**

**THE END**

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Sorry for the ending, guys. Writer's block does that. Look for my next fic, _Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust _coming soon! 


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